Hello. It's been a month since the last entry.
How you've been?
It was pretty scary.
Due to the succession of deaths of my kittens I was distressed.
It seemed like depression added to a level.
I was deeply upset.
I told my mum
" Let's take her to the vet. "
then she replied,
" It's Sunday. We do not have money. "
And that morning my father woke me up just to say
"Your kitten is sick. Get up and take care of her."
It wasnt the first. They both know they will die at night just like her brothers.
You called for my aid. It feels like you both give me tickets to watch a 3D livestream of a dying cat.
I dont have a job. My savings have long gone 3 years ago. I cannot afford to take her to the hospital.
If loosing our meals for the next week is heavier than loosing a kitten I personally took care of...
Then asking for your help was my only choice.
It was the only choice.
Yet your white lies hurts me the most.
If it was a dog bite, would you take me to the hospital even though it's Sunday?
If you knew she was going to die, do I have to see it till the end?
**
I cried to the loss within the week.
Several days, I caught myself hanging to suicidal thoughts.
I wasnt in those days where I could never see myself in a wooden coffin.
I wasnt in those days which I could never let go Johnsuke's hands connecting to the other.
I could see myself dying by a thread.
I could see myself dying leaving him behind.
Then I remember, there was a razor blade inside the sewing cup.
When night came, I sneaked to the kitchen and kept it on my bedside drawer.
I just need one reason to end my life.
I just have to make them make one mistake.
That day will surely come.
I need help cause I am ready to kill myself.
**
I drown watching myself with Hollywood Medium series.
It was very sad and inspiring while battling myself with thoughts.
Days were wasted just like that.
Eating, Sleeping, Watching.
Secluded myself in a room.
**
Dear Diary,
It's June.
At the end of May it started to rain.
Sometimes late at night, more often in the afternoon around 2pm.
I havent watched any news, so I'm not sure if it's officially rainy season.
Or probably is ...
I think I could finally pull those long sleeves hidden in my cabinets.
Summer taken its toll. Bathing three times wasnt heated exaggeration.
It was definitely hot, but not so much in the previous year.
1 of the five kittens survived.
He's playful, but I was wishful my fishflakes stayed longer.
There were candies on the coffee table one morning so I grabbed one and tied it to a string.
It felt like I was fishing a cat whenever he chases it.
dear diary, I am slightly recovering from the pain
though there are certainly times when I blanked out and cried from feeling empty.
I know I was sad, and I cannot cure it.
I didnt tell anyone, even Roro.
It feels like telling her hurts even more.
Sometimes I find the excuse to message her during her 1am job rounds.
It was between sadness and joy bringer.
I still cried and hugged my teddy bear tiring myself to fall asleep.
There was once I couldnt sleep and I waited till 4am for them to open the lights at the living area.
Seeing them awake that morning was my reassurance of calming myself.
**
Dear Diary,
Last month, I had my first bottle of alcohol.
I was having trouble sleeping.
I was craving for something aside from noodle cups and bitter instant coffees.
So I bought a light beer that afternoon.
I managed to finish it.
I wasnt fully drunk. I could still walk unlike those in the movies Ive watched but I felt wobbly.
It felt good though it was smelly and just purely about the bitterness.
I was wishing to call a friend and have the drinks with him/her.
I had no one.
**
Dear Diary,
I finally taken the courage to write something inside my first blank notebook.
In case I die, the entries are about the memories I cannot forget and I really treasured the most.
**
Dear Diary,
I tried cutting my wrist.
It left scars but it didnt last long.
I wasnt scared of the pain.
I was crying and lighter that day.
It was a strange combination.
I dont want to do it, but I think I have to.
**
Dear Diary,
I really like the weather.
It's cold and sometimes I dont wanna take a bath.
I still have to.
-------
The passing month was scary and sad.
I wish for something lighter.
