Lately Im finding myself to easily get annoyed with my father's actions. I really feel bad with my responses to him. I wonder if it's just the weather? I hope, there would not be a time when I'll treat him like what Ive did with mum.

Such a failure, myself.

Tsk. Tsk.

Endgoal

I've dreamt of you.

I have always wanted to do my best if the endgoal is you.

Always, the endgoal is you. 

Was about to sleep, As usual I opened the sliding window to see if Suzume-kun is back. At the same time, a motor was passing by, and its rider kept looking at me.

Im not a ghost!

While there are one or two good moves, 
there are mountains of bad ones.

Sometimes people wanted the results,
some wanted how you get there.

Which one are you?
Which one I am?

***

Spending year after year missing someone while leading the exact same life, that's true pain. 

In my age, name calling is more eminent than bullying. It was bearable, everyone wasnt as fragile as they are now. Philippines is currently passing the limelight of our individuality... Bullying become rampant!

Are the things that hurt us more are physical abuse than of mental? Aint words penetrate deeper? 

The reason why everything seemed to fall apart is that your wings is ready to fly greater. So weep! and soar out of the cramped cocoon!

PoTD : Last Morning of the Passing Year

Curious Lights

Christmas day is over! but the spirit lives on.

Attending the night gala before the 25th of Dec this year felt average. The seats were barely occupied, I wonder if its because of the weather? That's one, or probably just the location. I wonder what have happened to the prejudiced teens because they live to standby outside the church , flirting or texting instead of attending the mass. I wonder where are the vendors of the casa/households making puto-bumbong, bibingka, penoy at balot, we would definitely buy and lined-up for when the mass ended. Traditions are gradually changing the small details. Yet, the municipality streets remained the same.

 --

 

Happy 8th Birthday to my beloved bear!

Day 019 : Backstage

In a special place we reunited but this time I wasnt beside you. 

I still sing, I still love the hymn.

You smiled back.

Mine directed to the man I chose.

I then realize, neither of our choices were wrong!

But those who left isn't privileged to execute the song.

 ---

Taken : December 24

After Term

There are songs not written on score sheets.

Nor the truths printed on newspaper scripts.

Nor the President's services, we daily tell their addressed bullshits.

Will someone humbly apologize to him after his term?

Day018 : Super Moon

    Many things happened last night. My brother in his last match this season (basketball), ended up getting a dislocated shoulder.


I loved how my father got his enthusiam like a passionate coach , half-half. He is passionate in basketball, coach? nah. He's good at watching. Anyways, since it was laste.. they (with mum) had to hurry to a nearest boutique and buy a pain killer. I was left with my younger brother at home and had to tend the ice pack once it hits each 20 minutes on his shoulder. 10 pm hitting the clock, unexpectedly, our street have a blackout. Was about to force to go outside.


It was like we have a giant light bulb in the sky. It lightened up the surrounding but its light wasnt about hurting. The night sky was calm to look at. I was hugging Johnsuke, a ready-warm-hugging-blanket. There are many things we take granted for.

The moon grew jealous. He absorbed all the electricity, forcing you to watch him last night.

[ PoTD ] Summit

One of these days, magsasalita nlng si papa ng "PETMALU. LODI. WERPA WERPA" like some thug. cause he's been singing this baby shark trulalalalu and IDK where the heck did he get that from????. WORK? GOODNESS ME.

I started to enroll for an online course of Architecture..

--

I only have 6 months to complete it. I havent checked the online excersises provided so.. I have no idea if it's really of my capabilities to pass. Of course, I'll do my best to meet it's criteria. The passing grade is of 60 percent . I haven't told my parents. Nor Im doing the online data entry to earn some pocket money. He-he. So that's how my situation is.

The introductory lesson was interesting , to the fact that my first year HOA teacher was able to tackle.

Architecture is when an object disappears but it's subject remains.

--

Tomorrow, I'll go to MIA. Hope we get there safely. If I have pictures to sell on the way and back I'll post it here.

It seems I'm skipping another semester.

I wanna study.

I should look for online jobs.
Well, I already did.

I have all the time, but I feel empty.
I feel lonely.

I feel lonely.
I should probably read.

and waste more time,
and regret more wasted chances.

Day 018 : Pro Gamer's dreams are shortlived but victory lives forever.

I have a rough idea why parents in fable says
"Go! and make adventures!".

Because eventually these little heroes will turn into adults where Reality isnt short lived, it's unending truth.

  

(PHOTO TAKEN BEFORE THE DEBUT (18TH) BIRTHDAY PARTY last 2017/JULY 16)

(Syd before the party)

Me : so ganito bahay ni Clifford?

Syd : Hindi. Maganda pa bahay nya.

Me : Oooh~

Syd : Kaso patay na guard nila.

Me : (hahahaha) pinatay pala kagad.

(PHOTO TAKEN INSIDE THE MULTIFUNCTION HALL)

So what happened during , next and afterwards ended like magic. It was fun how the MC gloried the moment. He knows how to kick the music too, even the audience who doesnt dance would be able to do so. 

Party is a party.

  

Day 16 : Exit Cues

Ive just woken up from a good dream. Definitely a good one.

Today I was not able to sleep well because I am helping my father with his papers. I barely managed to sleep 4 hours!

In my dream, I went together with a friend to buy something from your family store. The surrounding was green! Even the banner. It has a printed photo of a baby girl wearing matching pink headband on her pink-white polka dress. Your name was not written but I know it was yours.

My friend who I once introduced about our relationship during highschool immediately recognized the owner's stall. Images then popped up of a two storey house. I said , still dreaming, " Ah. He managed to buy a house. "

I dont know what I was feeling that time, I couldnt remember.or Maybe, I wasnt feeling anything at all.

When she said " Di ba si...." before she was able to pronounce your name I covered her mouth using my hand. Someone who manages the store that day will probably assume we're acquitances. I do not want any attention, neither troubles. I was infront of my Ex's store and it feels doesnt right. 

I didnt even know why I went there or why I appeared at that place.

I do not know what we've bought that day but the next thing I knew, while waiting was scrolling though my phone's messages. The succeeding scenes roomed between only you and I. My friend disappeared with no traces, nor exit cues.You looked and snatched my phone from my side. I didn't hesitate to take it back. I'm pretty clean with secrets when it comes to messages. There is nothing to be frantic about when you checked our conversations.

As I have watched you skimming through the assumed emptied convo, you saw the last remaining file there. It was a video, you clicked and decided to watch it.

I was alarmed and immediately grabbed it back. I dont know why I am perplexed neither what is inside this clip.

I assume it's something about my love for you, I remember how I used to send you videos every monthsary , and I am afraid to let you know. You let a small laugh, like the usual. Mysterious and emanating a playboy's smile.

Oh the horror!

I am repeating the feeling of falling in love with you. All I felt was how I secretly loved you all these years. I found myself alone when I managed to get my phone back. Where were you? I didnt bother to search, instead I deleted the video. I was relieved but for a moment. All lingering emotions filled the cup that I begun to type those words.

" Yo! I managed to pass my thesis, and baka ggraduate ako after Summer or September. "

It was the same tactic Ive used to send you a message. To open a familiar topic to talk to you. I know I was lying, I already stopped during my third year and now after two years asking for a break I will continue the promise.

" I managed to fulfill my promise. Salamat, thank you. " and all there was to reveal I typed it sincerely....

You were the only reason to all the why, how and what. You were the sole reason and that was the second lie.

I said in the message, I only loved you all these years when infact I have had relationships after you. I was heartbroken and found myself to wonder if someone could surpass you. All of my relationships ended shortly because I consciously compare them to you. I felt bad , myself and to them so I split up with them. I didnt tell you that, I do not want you to see how unfaithful I was while fulfilling the promise.

" Ikaw ang rason kung bakit ko ginawa to. If you dont mind, please allow me to tell you how I feel. Please allow me to say Mahal Kita. "

I stopped sending continuous message, mahal kita? Bigla akong natauhan, minamahal pa rin kita at ayoko iparating sa iyo yon. Ayoko, magiging talunan ako at alam kong di mo ko babalikan. Ganun ang pagkakakilala ko sayo at nirerespeto ko kung may gusto kang mahalin na iba. Ipauubaya ko na, hindi ako ang dapat na mahal nya. Ako lang magmamahal sayo sa paraang paglaya sa pagmamahal na ito.

" how I feel. Please allow me to say Mahal Kita - and Im taking this chance to say goodbye to you. Goodbye. Im saying goodbye to my feelings that I was able holding on to while I'm fulfilling the dream. so Thank you, it was you who gave me the reason. "

I immediately perceive images of me sitting at a pile of unfinished construction bricks while saying those words to you who were at my left side at that time. I was smiling , I saw myself smiling. It wasnt a first person point of view saw I couldnt see what your face reactions were. I was hoping you were clueless, puzzled and disbelieved with my confession. Other part of myself says, you have to stop me. Stop me from saying goodbye but I was able to finish my words to you .

You returned silence and I couldnt see your reaction. I was staring at us in an outsider's view. I wanted to half-heartedly stop myself who was smiling, but at that time when you said goodbye I felt how light my body was. The weight of my body softens like I didnt have . I was floating like a cloud, and it didnt make me stop her. It was the right thing, all these years I kept kept and kept all those feelings to myself.

Saying it to you was my problem, and whether you accept it or not was yours. If ever , though I was hoping you would, you were still feeling the same as I have did all these years I still wouldnt accept us being together. I am finally free with all those feelings and that moment was the right time to stop. Ive done enough feeding myself I love you, and probably I will still continue loving you but letting go felt so right.

My mind and body continues to feel lighter, and felt wind brushing against my face. I woke up. I woke up after saying goodbye to you. I was surrounded with pillows, a teddybear named after you beside me and two blankets preventing me to felt cold. The silence was slightly noisier than your response . The sound of the water droplets running through the PVC was calming. I stare at the ceiling remembering the details of the dreams. In my dreams Ive gathered my strength and confess. Confess? That was the right thing, but I dont wanna do it. Though I'll be certain maybe not now but the mornings to come , I'll say those words to you.

Ill say goodbye and thank you and not bothering what you will say next, what will you do next with a hint of my hopes sounding not so desperate. Just a small chance you want me back too but I'll continue to love you. That is what I will always do.

I let a small cry. What a great satisfying dream. I still love the bear beside me today. He's warm and ready at all times for a cuddle. I probably needed is a cuddle today.

[Day015] Blank Hour at He Brews Bauan Batangas

Even before knowing what is trending inside the online web, I believe Batanguenos are always updated and of flow with the stream. On their growing years, people around my age probably blessedly experienced having baby socks with laces, pants shredded for fashion, or either shoes having pockets below to transform into roller skates. (but) That was in terms of fashion, Batanguenos are also keen in terms of food trips.


Unplanned/planned out with your barkada , family or just a simple date between the two of you creates a special meaning and

    He Brews is born on these underlying norms. He Brews Cafe has branded itself in Batangas. Places like Alangilan , 35 P.Burgos and 43 P.Burgos are it's existing branch. The interior of the cafe vibes an expressive, youthful, and fun atmosphere. It's meal especializes on iced coffee drinks, sandwiches and pasta added with rice meals good for breakfast and lunch. When I went on June 25th, it was almost time for dinner. I was invited for a small party/gathering together with my cousins.

  Sadly, 1 rice meal (German Sausage) was left on the menu and the others were pasta with snacks. Also I couldnt order their coffee specialties because I just recovered from xerostomia where my mouth runs dry because of salivary glands doesnt produce enough saliva to keep it moisturize. Caffeine intake isnt recommended. I really have taken my time choosing and went for Pesto Pasta with Honey Lemonade drink. Boys and the kids went with the available rice meal while the young lady went for each available pasta. 

He Brews Cafe's service at Bauan Batangas had shown raw of experience. That night, the store was fully occupied by other attending group of friends who went just to eat and talk there. The (3) crew inside the bar counter looked like they were cramped, obviously busy and unattentive to the new costumers. It was understandable. Making the meal for the costumers were hard task and time consuming. It was almost an hour and we havent received our orders. The costumers that arrived almost 25 minutes after us coming into the store were served first. The serving order isnt practically being monitored. Waiting in the blank hour, the drinks were already tabled and we kinda enjoyed to refresh and bond a bit. Selfies and group photos were taken. I noticed the kids had already half finished their drinks when the pasta and rice meal arrived but the carbonara which my cousin ordered hasnt shown itself yet. We decided to eat anyway.

 The one who organized the party approached the staff for a recall, Welp! unlucky for her, it seemed that her order hasnt been cooked. She had waited for proper cooking time and got her order finally.

The meal definitely suffices for all the trouble of how it get there. Eating pesto pasta for the first time , isnt that bad but I couldn't invite myself to eat it again. I have no mere experience of lavish details of what is pasta or not but pesto was dry. I don't have appetites for either cold food or dry food. What the cafe sold me was their drinks. I was able to taste Banana Choconut which the kids have while I savour my Honey Lemonade to the last sip. The presentation of this drink is enjoyable. I thought it was made of foam when it is actually iced. I'll definitely take one out when I have the time. The feedback from the German sausage meal was good too except for the rice. My first impression with the rice serving was sad. I usually bought egg sandwich from street stalls and the instrument where the egg is placed pretty much measures the same height as the He Brews servings. Boys ordered two plates of extra rice to finish the meal. I bet they have their belly satisfied. 

That day was fun, unforgettable and wasn't blank.

---

Dear Lola,

I thank you for the family you created with Lolo. I know you have experienced difficulties on raising them all. I love you. Thank you, I have you. Whereever or whomever you are with now, you do not have to worry. My cousins and I are getting along pretty well. We are loving each other. I think you have successfully fulfilled your role as a parent and as a wife. I hope you are fine and living well with Lola. I miss you. I love you more. These are your treasures. They are shining, well-rounded and loving persons in and outside the family.

blog written on July 1, 2017

sources : [1] [2] [3] [4]