Hello. It's been a month since the last entry.

How you've been?
It was pretty scary.

Due to the succession of deaths of my kittens I was distressed.
It seemed like depression added to a level.
I was deeply upset.

I told my mum
" Let's take her to the vet. "
then she replied,
" It's Sunday. We do not have money. "

And that morning my father woke me up just to say
"Your kitten is sick. Get up and take care of her."

It wasnt the first. They both know they will die at night just like her brothers.
You called for my aid. It feels like you both give me tickets to watch a 3D livestream of a dying cat.

I dont have a job. My savings have long gone 3 years ago. I cannot afford to take her to the hospital.
If loosing our meals for the next week is heavier than loosing a kitten I personally took care of...
Then asking for your help was my only choice.

It was the only choice.
Yet your white lies hurts me the most.

If it was a dog bite, would you take me to the hospital even though it's Sunday?
If you knew she was going to die, do I have to see it till the end?

**

I cried to the loss within the week.
Several days, I caught myself hanging to suicidal thoughts.

I wasnt in those days where I could never see myself in a wooden coffin.
I wasnt in those days which I could never let go Johnsuke's hands connecting to the other.

I could see myself dying by a thread.
I could see myself dying leaving him behind.

Then I remember, there was a razor blade inside the sewing cup.
When night came, I sneaked to the kitchen and kept it on my bedside drawer.
I just need one reason to end my life.
I just have to make them make one mistake.

That day will surely come.
I need help cause I am ready to kill myself.

**

I drown watching myself with Hollywood Medium series.
It was very sad and inspiring while battling myself with thoughts.

Days were wasted just like that.
Eating, Sleeping, Watching.
Secluded myself in a room.


**

Dear Diary,

It's June.
At the end of May it started to rain.
Sometimes late at night, more often in the afternoon around 2pm.

I havent watched any news, so I'm not sure if it's officially rainy season.
Or probably is ...

I think I could finally pull those long sleeves hidden in my cabinets.
Summer taken its toll. Bathing three times wasnt heated exaggeration.
It was definitely hot, but not so much in the previous year.

1 of the five kittens survived.
He's playful, but I was wishful my fishflakes stayed longer.
There were candies on the coffee table one morning so I grabbed one and tied it to a string.
It felt like I was fishing a cat whenever he chases it.

dear diary, I am slightly recovering from the pain
though there are certainly times when I blanked out and cried from feeling empty.
I know I was sad, and I cannot cure it.

I didnt tell anyone, even Roro.
It feels like telling her hurts even more.
Sometimes I find the excuse to message her during her 1am job rounds.

It was between sadness and joy bringer.
I still cried and hugged my teddy bear tiring myself to fall asleep.

There was once I couldnt sleep and I waited till 4am for them to open the lights at the living area.
Seeing them awake that morning was my reassurance of calming myself.

**

Dear Diary,

Last month, I had my first bottle of alcohol.
I was having trouble sleeping.
I was craving for something aside from noodle cups and bitter instant coffees.
So I bought a light beer that afternoon.
I managed to finish it.

I wasnt fully drunk. I could still walk unlike those in the movies Ive watched but I felt wobbly.
It felt good though it was smelly and just purely about the bitterness.
I was wishing to call a friend and have the drinks with him/her.
I had no one.

**

Dear Diary,

I finally taken the courage to write something inside my first blank notebook.
In case I die, the entries are about the memories I cannot forget and I really treasured the most.

**

Dear Diary,

I tried cutting my wrist.
It left scars but it didnt last long.

I wasnt scared of the pain.
I was crying and lighter that day.
It was a strange combination.

I dont want to do it, but I think I have to.


**

Dear Diary,

I really like the weather.
It's cold and sometimes I dont wanna take a bath.
I still have to.

-------

The passing month was scary and sad.
I wish for something lighter.

I miss you Fishflakes.

I have been drinking the bitterness

Sobbing upon my loss.

Does it wash away my sin?

#NPM2018 Day 1 : First Group Projects

I dropped school early.
Strongly believed that field glimmers every step to opportunity.
That clinging to dreams magnet Hope.
Now, desperately to convince
Scratching the surface of
Unfulfilled dreams.
I.
I have recognized those efforts late,
but I cannot bathe to hate.

Happy National Poetry Month!!!

These are not regets, but of your obsession.

POTD : Days with Me (2)

I woke up at 8, she was lying lifelessly.

How long have she been crying for help? I dont know.

She was getting cold, so bathe her sunlight.

Pumping her mid belly, massaging to find where it hurts but I failed.

Two hours pumping her non stop, she struggles.

Then She struggled, it was worth fighting for someone who doesnt need salvation.

Someone deserves a hand to help if that person wanted to live.

I asked you to take her to the hospital... you gave me the lame excuses!

I was pumping for two hours, then the third hour came.

***

One,

she pushed me away.

Second,

she cried.

Third,

she grsped for air.

Fourth,

she stopped breathing.

She can no longer moved her arms, straigthened,

ants started to circle her, flies rested on me.

Fifth,

I laid her down then she groanned like her last.

***

She began to count, while I prayed harder.

Make promises, reminisces;

one, two and three.... breathing like she had drowned...

one, she can no longer speak

two, she can no longer blink

three, she can no longer breathe

Her dead body on my sweaty hands, glistened under the bright spotlights..

" Come back quickly, I'll treat you well. so come back. "

One, Warm hands begun to let go.

Two, Tears begun to fell.

Three, Lifelessly said goodbye to her morning clock.

Dont say life left easily... because there are people fighting to stay.

Letter 015 : Baby, I'm Hollow

There's a light passing through your chest.
You do not feel heavy yet you cannot cry.
All those guilty thoughts, how to make them solidify?
Built them like a pyramid,
Standing on a greater visions of life?

Lately Im finding myself to easily get annoyed with my father's actions. I really feel bad with my responses to him. I wonder if it's just the weather? I hope, there would not be a time when I'll treat him like what Ive did with mum.

Such a failure, myself.

Tsk. Tsk.

#SaveSyria

Kingdom come.

Do not let me sleep.

Kingsmen down.

Do not let me weep.

I was weeping through the horrible news of the airbombing in Syria. Children suffered the most. They're at the stage of learning and enjoying the life that is given by nature.

Life is taken and in return Life taken.

Endgoal

I've dreamt of you.

I have always wanted to do my best if the endgoal is you.

Always, the endgoal is you. 

In my age, name calling is more eminent than bullying. It was bearable, everyone wasnt as fragile as they are now. Philippines is currently passing the limelight of our individuality... Bullying become rampant!

Are the things that hurt us more are physical abuse than of mental? Aint words penetrate deeper? 

Dream : Again

bought a dress to meet you.
I woke up.
rode to meet you.
I woke up.
Why I can not see you?
Why Am I wishing to love you still?
When all I wanted is to free myself from dreaming.

Day 019 : Backstage

In a special place we reunited but this time I wasnt beside you. 

I still sing, I still love the hymn.

You smiled back.

Mine directed to the man I chose.

I then realize, neither of our choices were wrong!

But those who left isn't privileged to execute the song.

 ---

Taken : December 24

Day 017: Chasing Deer Lights

So this entry should be put before the Day 018, due to my lack sense of duty it rotten in the drafts blank and unwritten. My September entry was 0 too, so I'll try my best to remember what happened till November.

After we fetched my cousin at the MIA I've attended quite a few of family gathering for his welcome. Received KitKat as usual.

One instance, there was 1 left from the kitkat box I saved inside the fridge. When I went to find it, I discovered my brother already eaten it few days ago. Weeks after, he put his cookie oreo chocolate inside the fridge "Ah! Revenge." but of course I didnt mean it that way. I just happened to crave the thing so I ate it. When he found out I ate it, I've never seen his displeased poker face. It seems that the chocolate was given by his girlfriend to eat. HAHAHAHAH~ The next month, October, I didnt dare to eat that bar. The guilt!

September to October tolled heavy for my stomach since I cannot deny myself to the blessings of food offerings from friends and cousins. Free food! Free meal! but the impression of being a freeloader to them as well added behind my thinkings. Didnt you say years ago that you dont feel happy when you take "free" things? such as meals? I said to myself. Sitting beside the large window panels across the crowded room never felt shameless as this. Two reasons to why, first - you should not deny food on your plate, second - Im stucked at the house for hours, days, and weeks doing the same rotten things so I might as well take the chance to get out of the house. But of course, I did reject some too specially from men.

--

Among those was my ex, he have been persistent about redeeming our good pale relationship for the past years. Unluckily, his persistence landed on my left side and I finally snapped. I contacted with my ex#3 whom I only have good relationship since we broke up. His side was essential, as my ex his vision "as an ex" how to break all the connections without getting him butthurt. I know it was impossible to begin with, but if there's a chance I would grab it. So I asked him, same time Roro happened to be online... I early left the conversation about my ex and focused on Roro. Im lucky to have her. 

Im always thankful that you love me for whatever the other people say are my flaws. You've always seen things in details as I have been watching over you. I hope we would get there. I want us to deserve acceptance and happiness.

[ Letter 011 : Liham para sa nagmahal ]

May event sa mall dun sa Manila.

dumating ka, nauna ka.

nakita ko sa blackboard may sinulat ka...

Cursive. 

Maganda.

May hawak akong maliit na papel nung araw na iyon at kelangan kong burahin yung mga sinulat mo.

Sana binasa ko,

kaso yung huling linya lang ginawa ko.

Lovelots.

Hindi R, kundi lovelots. Yung pinangalan ko sayo. Binura ko na parang wala lang, pero kumirot sa puso ko ginawa mo. Mga ginawa ko. Galit ako, at galit parin ako sa ginawa mo.Sa mga umattend ng event, sa maliit na espasyo na iyon, sumigaw ako para marinig nila yung mga salita ko. Pero yung mga yun direkta lang sayo, pero kelangan kong isulat sa board yung nasa papel.

Nag umpisa na akong magsulat sa blackboard, unang binura ang Lovelots. Andun mga kaklase ko, Si Zayra, Si Carlito... sa harap ng blackboard may nakaharang na mga silya, yung pang elementarya. Yung mga kahoy na sira ang ilalim para sa paa.Mataas yung board kaya ibinigay sakin ni Zayra yung isa sa mga silya. May itinanong sya, sabi ko nang pabulong yung ex ko anjan,
yung ex ko anjan...
yung ex ko anjan... 
sabay sa mga salitang iyon ang panibagong panulat sa board.

Natapos ko ba? Di ko tanda pero napatigil ako nung nakita kita malapit sa kinatatayuan ko. 
Bakit? Anong meron? 

Sa mga oras na iyon, tumabi ako sa kinauupuan mo. May mga sinabi ba ako?
Di ko tanda.

Masaya ako sa loob loob ko, kahit ganun ka. Martir talaga ako. (lang sayo.) Matagal tagal din kitang di nakausap. Nasabi ko sa third party character, I havent talked to him personally since 2012?2013? True though, we havent talked , see each other since the video calls Ive miss we used to do.I think it was unfair, and overwhelming just to be with you.

So nagpatuloy tayo sa pag-uusap... pero biglang may dumating... tatay mo.
Bakit? Anong meron?

Tumakas ka pala sa inyo para maka attend sa event. At yung mommy mo di daw kayo nagkakasundo. So your father dragged you outside the room, I followed. Babalik ka na ng Iloilo?! Your dad was waiting by the door, why.... dont.... Dont! Hinawakan ko, hinila yung tela ng damit mo. Pinigilan kita. sa isip isip ko sasabihin ko bang mahal kita? Tang ina. Ako aamin? Matagal ka nang talo Brigette! Nanalo ang mga linya kesa sa puso ko. Napatigil ka pero di ka lumingon sakin. Bumulong ako sa tenga mo. 

SALAMAT HA.

Binitawan kita, at umalis kana. 

Di ko alam kung bakit. Sa pagkakataong iyon nakita ko sarili ko sa kwarto mo. Two floors pala bahay nyo , kahoy pa yung kwarto mo. Andun ka. Sa hagdan nagtatago yung tatay mo, humakbang ako papunta sa mga tinititigan nya.
Nakita kita.
Andun sa working table mo, you've just finished your bath judging from the clothes you were wearing. Di rin ako lumapit nang msyado. Minamasdan kita sa ginawa mo. Umiiyak ka, yung isa mong kamay pinapawi mga luhang pumapatak sa mga mata mo. Humihikbing nakakapanakit sa tatlong taong andun. Ako na parang hangin, ikaw na umiiyak at ang tatay mong di malaman ang gagawin.

Sa kabilang kamay, hawak mo ang mga pilas ng papel.
Ano yun? Parang pamilyar. 

Kaya naman pala.

Mga sulat at tulang para sayo iniiyakan mo. Mga liham at diary entries nung tayo pang mga sinulat ko. Tangna ! Wag kang umiyak pero buti nga sayo. Ganun kita minahal dati. Mga nararamdaman ko inilagay ko dun.

Araw araw minahal kita.

Lumapit ako, tinignan ko nang mabuti mga sulat na iniiyakan mo. Sa bawat takbong papuntang isang pahina , umiiyak ka.

Sa likod mo napalingon ka, si tatay mo andun. Lumabas na sa kinatatayuan nya. Sabi nya " Sorry. " Mahal ka lang talaga nila pero di nila alam ganun ka pala nasasaktan. Ako din. Kung alam ko lang, mahal parin pala kita. Mahal parin kita kahit galit ako sayo. Mas mahal pa rin kita. Sana mahal mo rin ako. Sana sinabi mo. Sana hindi ganun. Sana tayo na lang ulit.

Parang tumigil yung oras ko sa mga nasaksihan ko.
Mahal kita.

Sa paggising ko sa realidad, wala ka na. Wala yung mga liham. Wala na yung pag iyak mo. Wala na yung chance. Walang wala ako kumpara sa nararamdaman ko. 

Gusto kong iyakan kita, gusto kong sabihing mahal parin kita. gusto ko pero natatakot ako. Ikaw yung taong tatawanan ako sa pagiging seryoso ko. Ako? Mahal mo rin pa ba ako.

Pano pag hindi na. Anong gagawin ko sa nararamdaman ko.

Lalakbay ang mga salitang dapat sasabihin ko sa hangin... sa pagtanggi mo, mananatili lang sila sa hangin...
Hindi sila mawawala,
Hindi sila makikita bagkus mararamdaman mo lang....
Anjan pero binabalewala lang. 

Ayokong maramdaman yun. Ayoko. Sa araw na ito, babangon ako nang maaga.

Titignan na lang yung mga mangyayare.
Mahal parin pala kita.
Tanga ko talaga at sana ganun ka. mangungusap ka rin ba sa hundred chances....
Ako , pa rin sana.

It seems I'm skipping another semester.

I wanna study.

I should look for online jobs.
Well, I already did.

I have all the time, but I feel empty.
I feel lonely.

I feel lonely.
I should probably read.

and waste more time,
and regret more wasted chances.

Day 018 : Pro Gamer's dreams are shortlived but victory lives forever.

I have a rough idea why parents in fable says
"Go! and make adventures!".

Because eventually these little heroes will turn into adults where Reality isnt short lived, it's unending truth.

  

(PHOTO TAKEN BEFORE THE DEBUT (18TH) BIRTHDAY PARTY last 2017/JULY 16)

(Syd before the party)

Me : so ganito bahay ni Clifford?

Syd : Hindi. Maganda pa bahay nya.

Me : Oooh~

Syd : Kaso patay na guard nila.

Me : (hahahaha) pinatay pala kagad.

(PHOTO TAKEN INSIDE THE MULTIFUNCTION HALL)

So what happened during , next and afterwards ended like magic. It was fun how the MC gloried the moment. He knows how to kick the music too, even the audience who doesnt dance would be able to do so. 

Party is a party.

  

Day 16 : Exit Cues

Ive just woken up from a good dream. Definitely a good one.

Today I was not able to sleep well because I am helping my father with his papers. I barely managed to sleep 4 hours!

In my dream, I went together with a friend to buy something from your family store. The surrounding was green! Even the banner. It has a printed photo of a baby girl wearing matching pink headband on her pink-white polka dress. Your name was not written but I know it was yours.

My friend who I once introduced about our relationship during highschool immediately recognized the owner's stall. Images then popped up of a two storey house. I said , still dreaming, " Ah. He managed to buy a house. "

I dont know what I was feeling that time, I couldnt remember.or Maybe, I wasnt feeling anything at all.

When she said " Di ba si...." before she was able to pronounce your name I covered her mouth using my hand. Someone who manages the store that day will probably assume we're acquitances. I do not want any attention, neither troubles. I was infront of my Ex's store and it feels doesnt right. 

I didnt even know why I went there or why I appeared at that place.

I do not know what we've bought that day but the next thing I knew, while waiting was scrolling though my phone's messages. The succeeding scenes roomed between only you and I. My friend disappeared with no traces, nor exit cues.You looked and snatched my phone from my side. I didn't hesitate to take it back. I'm pretty clean with secrets when it comes to messages. There is nothing to be frantic about when you checked our conversations.

As I have watched you skimming through the assumed emptied convo, you saw the last remaining file there. It was a video, you clicked and decided to watch it.

I was alarmed and immediately grabbed it back. I dont know why I am perplexed neither what is inside this clip.

I assume it's something about my love for you, I remember how I used to send you videos every monthsary , and I am afraid to let you know. You let a small laugh, like the usual. Mysterious and emanating a playboy's smile.

Oh the horror!

I am repeating the feeling of falling in love with you. All I felt was how I secretly loved you all these years. I found myself alone when I managed to get my phone back. Where were you? I didnt bother to search, instead I deleted the video. I was relieved but for a moment. All lingering emotions filled the cup that I begun to type those words.

" Yo! I managed to pass my thesis, and baka ggraduate ako after Summer or September. "

It was the same tactic Ive used to send you a message. To open a familiar topic to talk to you. I know I was lying, I already stopped during my third year and now after two years asking for a break I will continue the promise.

" I managed to fulfill my promise. Salamat, thank you. " and all there was to reveal I typed it sincerely....

You were the only reason to all the why, how and what. You were the sole reason and that was the second lie.

I said in the message, I only loved you all these years when infact I have had relationships after you. I was heartbroken and found myself to wonder if someone could surpass you. All of my relationships ended shortly because I consciously compare them to you. I felt bad , myself and to them so I split up with them. I didnt tell you that, I do not want you to see how unfaithful I was while fulfilling the promise.

" Ikaw ang rason kung bakit ko ginawa to. If you dont mind, please allow me to tell you how I feel. Please allow me to say Mahal Kita. "

I stopped sending continuous message, mahal kita? Bigla akong natauhan, minamahal pa rin kita at ayoko iparating sa iyo yon. Ayoko, magiging talunan ako at alam kong di mo ko babalikan. Ganun ang pagkakakilala ko sayo at nirerespeto ko kung may gusto kang mahalin na iba. Ipauubaya ko na, hindi ako ang dapat na mahal nya. Ako lang magmamahal sayo sa paraang paglaya sa pagmamahal na ito.

" how I feel. Please allow me to say Mahal Kita - and Im taking this chance to say goodbye to you. Goodbye. Im saying goodbye to my feelings that I was able holding on to while I'm fulfilling the dream. so Thank you, it was you who gave me the reason. "

I immediately perceive images of me sitting at a pile of unfinished construction bricks while saying those words to you who were at my left side at that time. I was smiling , I saw myself smiling. It wasnt a first person point of view saw I couldnt see what your face reactions were. I was hoping you were clueless, puzzled and disbelieved with my confession. Other part of myself says, you have to stop me. Stop me from saying goodbye but I was able to finish my words to you .

You returned silence and I couldnt see your reaction. I was staring at us in an outsider's view. I wanted to half-heartedly stop myself who was smiling, but at that time when you said goodbye I felt how light my body was. The weight of my body softens like I didnt have . I was floating like a cloud, and it didnt make me stop her. It was the right thing, all these years I kept kept and kept all those feelings to myself.

Saying it to you was my problem, and whether you accept it or not was yours. If ever , though I was hoping you would, you were still feeling the same as I have did all these years I still wouldnt accept us being together. I am finally free with all those feelings and that moment was the right time to stop. Ive done enough feeding myself I love you, and probably I will still continue loving you but letting go felt so right.

My mind and body continues to feel lighter, and felt wind brushing against my face. I woke up. I woke up after saying goodbye to you. I was surrounded with pillows, a teddybear named after you beside me and two blankets preventing me to felt cold. The silence was slightly noisier than your response . The sound of the water droplets running through the PVC was calming. I stare at the ceiling remembering the details of the dreams. In my dreams Ive gathered my strength and confess. Confess? That was the right thing, but I dont wanna do it. Though I'll be certain maybe not now but the mornings to come , I'll say those words to you.

Ill say goodbye and thank you and not bothering what you will say next, what will you do next with a hint of my hopes sounding not so desperate. Just a small chance you want me back too but I'll continue to love you. That is what I will always do.

I let a small cry. What a great satisfying dream. I still love the bear beside me today. He's warm and ready at all times for a cuddle. I probably needed is a cuddle today.

[PoTD] Lamenting the Dead

It rained heavily as we walked a distance, as if the heavens cried for those who couldnt. I wonder if you'll be okay, or will you be dancing together with him. I wouldnt be answered cause you are there, and I am here. I want to hug you, I want to be happy with you. I wished we could.

--

Day 013 : Lamenting the Dead

The last conversation I had with you was , telling me " Bakit si Ate Brigette lang nagmamano sayo? Bakit sina Ate Shella , Ate Beng hinde? " whom was asked to you by Nene. You replied her with " Kasi sa malayo sya nakatira, sila dito lang "

I was embarassed by that time, since I only started it out when Lolo got bedridden and eventually the habit of Mano Po seemingly became normal to me.

Weekend passed by and you suddenly got sick.

---

---

Day 1, when mama asked me to go to your house to feed you because you wouldnt eat. I thought it was just a small matter, but the time I went there - you squealed " Inay! Aray Inay ". I thought to myself, " Ah, she wants to die " I couldnt touched you, I became fragile, I know you'll wither away.

Day 2, After they decided to bring you to the hospital, learnt you werent doing good. That morning I prayed to god, if she's willing to give up her life, then I would like him to do it quick.

 Day 3, It finally sunk into me, how grave your situation was. I learnt how great it is to have a big family and when it is not, I prayed and taken back all I've said before. I told god , atleast let her live until graduation... Let her attend me got married, and Heart get into highschool.. wish he'll add more years, add more, cause I can do more.. I can atleast make her happy. I do believe in the possiblity of reincarnation and if ever it is, then I cant be her granddaughter anymore. I want that thing to remain. I love her.

Day 4, Mum returned home, she looked very weary , said your lips turned violet and you had to be rushed to provincial hospital.. That afternoon, she said you'll return home by tomorrow. I said to myself " Ah. She's good as dead " with all the silent treatment Im getting from my mum, I was confident. 

You returned home, I was asked to go and see you, you looked skinned, thinner than I last saw you. I was scared, but I held your hand, you were burning up. I brushed my fingers instead of letting you hear my voice. I thought " There's no way she'll die, she's still warm "

Day 5, At 2pm, I still have managed to pray, crying and hoping you wont let go. I was pained, whenever I hear the home phone rings. By any time, one will confirmed you dead. I was right. Said you died around 3 pm. 

Day xx , Your parish friend approached me, asked how you were doing. I told her you passed away. I wonder what kind of face I was making when I was talking with her. That night , I still cant have the courage to face you, , and to face no weekend mornings to atleast visit you.. 

--

Dear family,

Allow me to hate you when you were with her instead of me. 

Allow me to hate you, when you say " Thank you so much with all the things you've done" instead of " I am sorry that I could do much better, treat you much better and listen to you much better " Allow me to hate you, when she brings you food, when she dines with you, when she sleeps with you, and all the things I could felt sorry for, because I wasnt with her. Allow me to pass the hate with all the remaing love I should have had for her.

Letter 08 : Dear of the Headlights

I offer these dehydrated tears for your betrayal

While the room corners an exchange, exact.

The small distance, then grew a demand for meaning

these gazes hint of mine.

Dances an honest pattern, he drew -

a sly smile I've always knew

This heart , so became immune

even when he says " I love you " (too)

[ kmjgs15 ] he tapped my shoulder

Caught a familiar tress pass, now he glue

" Bother me! dehydrated tears for you too "

I befriended his enemy.

" I cant trust you no longer " he said

Left unanttended for the silent war

Once, Thrice, he did it eventually

" Dear of the Headlights " that's the killer lady -