So last night, after watching the usual national radio episode, Idol commented about this documentary/investigative journalism. Lately it has been roaming, reposted over my social feed so additionally I finally took the courage to watch the film. I am not the kind of person who peck at insignificant trends unless it really peaked my interest.

The Paco documentary was too grim and too horrid for a morally upright viewers IMO. It was evidently the evil side of our kinship. We sway too much. To be the star of our own hero stories. The people, the media, the system, the meek, and the oppressed. 

Give Up Tomorrow.

I hope to say more, I want to say more.

But I really feel sad because we stills nature.

Why it has to be them. Why. does. it. happen?

I wanna see how Paco saw these. How he sees the world.

I wanna ask.

**

Then there's VIVA ENT to produce and sell the movie Jacqueline Comes Home. I came to question, for what purpose? Since the issue resurfaced twenty years after, it happened in 1997 I was born 1995!! What significance does this film wanted to say? For what purpose.

The upcoming movie (title) sounds full of sarcasm. Pre-judgements, Does this film wanted to portray how the Chiong parents struggled under the incident? Was it for sympathy? fame, riding afloat? Was it for money? 

Those lives involved went to an inhumane circus. does this film wanted to voice them?

You know there are things I really would like to hear from them. In certainty that the two daughters did disappear, a lot of lives were ruined, exposed.. people lost their definitions.

It's like people appreciates the pen than the poem.

Like the words than the letters.

**

I would like to boycott the movie (for now). It appears like a dirty scheming and making use of journalism to create a fake drama. People should asked for the truth not the excuses.

Im really glad I watched the documentary, Paco's (give up tomorrow) touched a piece of me.

Dear Diary,

Hello. It's been a month since the last entry.

How you've been?
It was pretty scary.

Due to the succession of deaths of my kittens I was distressed.
It seemed like depression added to a level.
I was deeply upset.

I told my mum
" Let's take her to the vet. "
then she replied,
" It's Sunday. We do not have money. "

And that morning my father woke me up just to say
"Your kitten is sick. Get up and take care of her."

It wasnt the first. They both know they will die at night just like her brothers.
You called for my aid. It feels like you both give me tickets to watch a 3D livestream of a dying cat.

I dont have a job. My savings have long gone 3 years ago. I cannot afford to take her to the hospital.
If loosing our meals for the next week is heavier than loosing a kitten I personally took care of...
Then asking for your help was my only choice.

It was the only choice.
Yet your white lies hurts me the most.

If it was a dog bite, would you take me to the hospital even though it's Sunday?
If you knew she was going to die, do I have to see it till the end?

**

I cried to the loss within the week.
Several days, I caught myself hanging to suicidal thoughts.

I wasnt in those days where I could never see myself in a wooden coffin.
I wasnt in those days which I could never let go Johnsuke's hands connecting to the other.

I could see myself dying by a thread.
I could see myself dying leaving him behind.

Then I remember, there was a razor blade inside the sewing cup.
When night came, I sneaked to the kitchen and kept it on my bedside drawer.
I just need one reason to end my life.
I just have to make them make one mistake.

That day will surely come.
I need help cause I am ready to kill myself.

**

I drown watching myself with Hollywood Medium series.
It was very sad and inspiring while battling myself with thoughts.

Days were wasted just like that.
Eating, Sleeping, Watching.
Secluded myself in a room.


**

Dear Diary,

It's June.
At the end of May it started to rain.
Sometimes late at night, more often in the afternoon around 2pm.

I havent watched any news, so I'm not sure if it's officially rainy season.
Or probably is ...

I think I could finally pull those long sleeves hidden in my cabinets.
Summer taken its toll. Bathing three times wasnt heated exaggeration.
It was definitely hot, but not so much in the previous year.

1 of the five kittens survived.
He's playful, but I was wishful my fishflakes stayed longer.
There were candies on the coffee table one morning so I grabbed one and tied it to a string.
It felt like I was fishing a cat whenever he chases it.

dear diary, I am slightly recovering from the pain
though there are certainly times when I blanked out and cried from feeling empty.
I know I was sad, and I cannot cure it.

I didnt tell anyone, even Roro.
It feels like telling her hurts even more.
Sometimes I find the excuse to message her during her 1am job rounds.

It was between sadness and joy bringer.
I still cried and hugged my teddy bear tiring myself to fall asleep.

There was once I couldnt sleep and I waited till 4am for them to open the lights at the living area.
Seeing them awake that morning was my reassurance of calming myself.

**

Dear Diary,

Last month, I had my first bottle of alcohol.
I was having trouble sleeping.
I was craving for something aside from noodle cups and bitter instant coffees.
So I bought a light beer that afternoon.
I managed to finish it.

I wasnt fully drunk. I could still walk unlike those in the movies Ive watched but I felt wobbly.
It felt good though it was smelly and just purely about the bitterness.
I was wishing to call a friend and have the drinks with him/her.
I had no one.

**

Dear Diary,

I finally taken the courage to write something inside my first blank notebook.
In case I die, the entries are about the memories I cannot forget and I really treasured the most.

**

Dear Diary,

I tried cutting my wrist.
It left scars but it didnt last long.

I wasnt scared of the pain.
I was crying and lighter that day.
It was a strange combination.

I dont want to do it, but I think I have to.


**

Dear Diary,

I really like the weather.
It's cold and sometimes I dont wanna take a bath.
I still have to.

-------

The passing month was scary and sad.
I wish for something lighter.

I miss you Fishflakes.

I have been drinking the bitterness

Sobbing upon my loss.

Does it wash away my sin?

#NPM2018 Day 1 : First Group Projects

I dropped school early.
Strongly believed that field glimmers every step to opportunity.
That clinging to dreams magnet Hope.
Now, desperately to convince
Scratching the surface of
Unfulfilled dreams.
I.
I have recognized those efforts late,
but I cannot bathe to hate.

Happy National Poetry Month!!!

#NPM2018 Day 2 : Parallel

Guess I'm about to see you.

But I can not get myself hype up.

Cause at one point we meet, the harder we part.

--

My mum and my aunt seemed to talk about a family reunion at Pangasinan this April. She shown passive about this issue. I, maybe, hope I could see you.

These are not regets, but of your obsession.

Can not shout the name I haven't given up.

Letter 015 : Baby, I'm Hollow

There's a light passing through your chest.
You do not feel heavy yet you cannot cry.
All those guilty thoughts, how to make them solidify?
Built them like a pyramid,
Standing on a greater visions of life?

Dream : To defy the zero line.

Dreamt about a snake, big one, people are throwing things at it. It had eaten a dog and cats are surrounding it. People panicked. but before I finished this dream, almost on its climax, the bedroom window banged heavily in reality. Continuing to sleep from the window wake, we met at some school. It was a high place. A cliff? not so much. I cant remember if it was an art exhibit... but I continued to follow him. Moreover, I always find myself in the same space. People start to notice, and once again I ate the courage. Telling ... to take another chance. You accepted it. Idk if I was glad for the opportunity, but I continued to fill the role. I am inlove with you. For so long.

Always dreaming. Casting reality.

I hate myself. But I love you still.

But I wouldnt cross the line, unless we meet each other.

Breathing in reality.

Even if you're the guy I do not know to define.

I'll gladly take you off the zero line.

Letter 012 : Cooking Foil.

We're nowhere close being diamonds.

Under the starry sky, aren't we all shattered like glasses?

Everyone suddenly turned materialistic, wanted to be most-sought.

But baby, only diamond bends when it is cut by itself.

One judges you, and it makes you desperately unstable.

Aren't you brittle?

You're transparent and easily hammered by these comments.

Yet you shimmer under the darkness like a diamond.

I guess, we could be paper diamonds.

One of these days, magsasalita nlng si papa ng "PETMALU. LODI. WERPA WERPA" like some thug. cause he's been singing this baby shark trulalalalu and IDK where the heck did he get that from????. WORK? GOODNESS ME.

Day 16 : Exit Cues

Ive just woken up from a good dream. Definitely a good one.

Today I was not able to sleep well because I am helping my father with his papers. I barely managed to sleep 4 hours!

In my dream, I went together with a friend to buy something from your family store. The surrounding was green! Even the banner. It has a printed photo of a baby girl wearing matching pink headband on her pink-white polka dress. Your name was not written but I know it was yours.

My friend who I once introduced about our relationship during highschool immediately recognized the owner's stall. Images then popped up of a two storey house. I said , still dreaming, " Ah. He managed to buy a house. "

I dont know what I was feeling that time, I couldnt remember.or Maybe, I wasnt feeling anything at all.

When she said " Di ba si...." before she was able to pronounce your name I covered her mouth using my hand. Someone who manages the store that day will probably assume we're acquitances. I do not want any attention, neither troubles. I was infront of my Ex's store and it feels doesnt right. 

I didnt even know why I went there or why I appeared at that place.

I do not know what we've bought that day but the next thing I knew, while waiting was scrolling though my phone's messages. The succeeding scenes roomed between only you and I. My friend disappeared with no traces, nor exit cues.You looked and snatched my phone from my side. I didn't hesitate to take it back. I'm pretty clean with secrets when it comes to messages. There is nothing to be frantic about when you checked our conversations.

As I have watched you skimming through the assumed emptied convo, you saw the last remaining file there. It was a video, you clicked and decided to watch it.

I was alarmed and immediately grabbed it back. I dont know why I am perplexed neither what is inside this clip.

I assume it's something about my love for you, I remember how I used to send you videos every monthsary , and I am afraid to let you know. You let a small laugh, like the usual. Mysterious and emanating a playboy's smile.

Oh the horror!

I am repeating the feeling of falling in love with you. All I felt was how I secretly loved you all these years. I found myself alone when I managed to get my phone back. Where were you? I didnt bother to search, instead I deleted the video. I was relieved but for a moment. All lingering emotions filled the cup that I begun to type those words.

" Yo! I managed to pass my thesis, and baka ggraduate ako after Summer or September. "

It was the same tactic Ive used to send you a message. To open a familiar topic to talk to you. I know I was lying, I already stopped during my third year and now after two years asking for a break I will continue the promise.

" I managed to fulfill my promise. Salamat, thank you. " and all there was to reveal I typed it sincerely....

You were the only reason to all the why, how and what. You were the sole reason and that was the second lie.

I said in the message, I only loved you all these years when infact I have had relationships after you. I was heartbroken and found myself to wonder if someone could surpass you. All of my relationships ended shortly because I consciously compare them to you. I felt bad , myself and to them so I split up with them. I didnt tell you that, I do not want you to see how unfaithful I was while fulfilling the promise.

" Ikaw ang rason kung bakit ko ginawa to. If you dont mind, please allow me to tell you how I feel. Please allow me to say Mahal Kita. "

I stopped sending continuous message, mahal kita? Bigla akong natauhan, minamahal pa rin kita at ayoko iparating sa iyo yon. Ayoko, magiging talunan ako at alam kong di mo ko babalikan. Ganun ang pagkakakilala ko sayo at nirerespeto ko kung may gusto kang mahalin na iba. Ipauubaya ko na, hindi ako ang dapat na mahal nya. Ako lang magmamahal sayo sa paraang paglaya sa pagmamahal na ito.

" how I feel. Please allow me to say Mahal Kita - and Im taking this chance to say goodbye to you. Goodbye. Im saying goodbye to my feelings that I was able holding on to while I'm fulfilling the dream. so Thank you, it was you who gave me the reason. "

I immediately perceive images of me sitting at a pile of unfinished construction bricks while saying those words to you who were at my left side at that time. I was smiling , I saw myself smiling. It wasnt a first person point of view saw I couldnt see what your face reactions were. I was hoping you were clueless, puzzled and disbelieved with my confession. Other part of myself says, you have to stop me. Stop me from saying goodbye but I was able to finish my words to you .

You returned silence and I couldnt see your reaction. I was staring at us in an outsider's view. I wanted to half-heartedly stop myself who was smiling, but at that time when you said goodbye I felt how light my body was. The weight of my body softens like I didnt have . I was floating like a cloud, and it didnt make me stop her. It was the right thing, all these years I kept kept and kept all those feelings to myself.

Saying it to you was my problem, and whether you accept it or not was yours. If ever , though I was hoping you would, you were still feeling the same as I have did all these years I still wouldnt accept us being together. I am finally free with all those feelings and that moment was the right time to stop. Ive done enough feeding myself I love you, and probably I will still continue loving you but letting go felt so right.

My mind and body continues to feel lighter, and felt wind brushing against my face. I woke up. I woke up after saying goodbye to you. I was surrounded with pillows, a teddybear named after you beside me and two blankets preventing me to felt cold. The silence was slightly noisier than your response . The sound of the water droplets running through the PVC was calming. I stare at the ceiling remembering the details of the dreams. In my dreams Ive gathered my strength and confess. Confess? That was the right thing, but I dont wanna do it. Though I'll be certain maybe not now but the mornings to come , I'll say those words to you.

Ill say goodbye and thank you and not bothering what you will say next, what will you do next with a hint of my hopes sounding not so desperate. Just a small chance you want me back too but I'll continue to love you. That is what I will always do.

I let a small cry. What a great satisfying dream. I still love the bear beside me today. He's warm and ready at all times for a cuddle. I probably needed is a cuddle today.

[ Day 00 ] May events to Timeline

The rainy season is here.
I haven't been entering any posts the past weeks even though there are things to write , I decided not to. Back to the weather, I have never hated how cold it is during the night since I was demanding it to change ever since May came. The hot concretes of road and pavements now receive the labour to cool down as noon arises.

I started watching another Korean Drama called Shopaholic King Louis , yesterday while the weeks before that was constantly checking the schedules of Pirates of the Caribbean : Salazar's Revenge on SM Cinema website. I've already taken her approval to watch but I remembered I have to prioritize the wedding of my childhood friend.

The wedding was made simple, few and selected guests arrive. The mood of the party was reflected within the both parties. I might sound mean but it is true. If ever I change my mind and commit myself to marry someone. I'll make sure, I have the necessities with me. I am prepared with that opportunity.

I hope to see my father cry in disbelief , that her loving daughter will live happily to someone who treasures her as much as my parents did. So far , I didn't like this idea, I rather see myself saving money for their hospital fees. Haha.

--

Speaking of June,
      I also attended a Tokyo Ghoul Promotional Event last June 2 using Youtube. Ishida's message was savage and I ended up happy and devastated at the same time. The event was translated to english by a professional, he did quite have a fighting moment which he managed to overcome. The event felt successful, and pleased with the announcement made during that time. I wished for more events like this for the foreign.

On May 25th, I finished watching Tunnel, the korean drama that explains the possibility why there were two Zodiac Killers in the movie of David Fincher. I was amazed with the story sewn for a small community. It was scary at first, may be because the screen visuals were abit dark and later it was entertaining with the cliffhangs. May 24th was alotted for Before I Fall (Movie) which I think is nothing new for the kind of concept the story was written. The decision the movie ended, however was acceptable and gained my respect. May 20th , Beauty and the Beast, which the details revised is carefully tacked for the old audiences to newly perceive. It was a scary town, Gustav fell and nobody given a fuvk? How insensitive , even for the main characters. Funny~

May 12th , Heart's birthday got me little heartbroken with the fact that my grandma is gone. I wished her a happy birthday. It was fun being with her, sharing meals and the like. It was Mother's Day too. On their way to pick me up, they have to go to Aunt's house for the pocket money. I decided to meet them there, we were blessed to have a new teddy bear. Said it was supposedly to be thrown , but was given to my Aunt instead. I named him Aldini. Heart second the opinion after some bribing I did.

[ Day 00 ] Secrets of the First Con

Ive been waiting for June 21 ever since summer vacation begun.
I was saving money for the very least I can ( to buy Shimakaze or Colossal Titan Play set )

 so here's the deal.

The night before , my father and I argued about this toycon thingy,
he said " Kung required yan nang school, payag ako. kaso hndi "

I was devastated , left the dining table .
Hour and half later, my mum talked to me and asked why my dad didnt allow me.

I told her, I already asked them a month before that event.
So I was really sure, I know in myself, I explained it to them well.
And rejecting my offer the night before the event, would be a nuisance.

With she convinced, left the room and asked again for dad's approval.
I slept early for two reasons : First, TOYCON BUKAS, Second, I know he would not CHANGE HIS MIND.

****

Next morning ** ToyCon Day 2

I left our house with all of my savings ALONE ,
although mum promised me last night she'll give me additional thousand travelling to Manila.

 Dropping to the Market**
less 5 minutes from getting off the tricycle ( because I went to my granma's house )
I went to buy a LOAD CARD (then supposedly ride jeepney going to bus terminal.)
and goes to my usual place to wait for a ride.

( setting // facing the road  : DrugStore was behind me, at my right was Petron Station,
left was Photocopy/Xerox stand, and  other road , in front , the LBC BRANCH )

****

Waiting for a jeepney, a man approached me , stopped beside me ( half step away from me )
seconds later, I felt a soft thing touched my wrist.

I looked down , and saw his "THING" . ( to tell you frankly I was not suprised since I have seen many ads of dick head at FAKKU.  )
I acted I didnt see nothing, since its normal for me. But what he did the next thing, begun to startled me.
( He then started FAPPING , street enforcer enters the scene )

The fapper turned his back at the enforcer and me to zip his pants.
As early as the enforcer approached us, the early he then left. ( probably he didnt notice something was wrong )

After the enforcer left, the man begun fapping again , as much as close to me.
I was leaning my back on the glass of the drugstore. The couple at my back,
who were busy waiting for their medicine, ignored me when I was making noise such as " BASTOS MO KUYA ".

So I turned my back at the fapper man, and asked for the pharmacist's assistance .
I signaled and pointing to the man that was bothering me.
I said " Ate, patulong naman please ".
She then smiled as if she turned down my sour painted face while looking straightly to her eyes.

I gave up and looked back again to the man who was fapping.
ALAS ! I was safe. I didnt move minutes after that to check if I was safe to travel ...
I waited for crowd to ride with me to Batangas. Enough to make if the man is still following me.

I looked at my clock, it was 9 : 23 am.
My head was ticking about at an early fapper man.

REALIZATION at my head ***
( Yes, I'm less dramatic with pervery guys... I'm open minded, unlike those who pretending to be VIRGINS.
but atleast, I do control myself from meeting many perverts in my life.. Im still a girl, at kaming babae ay may sariling arte. )

so I arrived at the terminal at 10 : 23 am

--

written : 9/22/14

[ Letter 010 ] May 23rd, 3am

This day was like your yesterday. The streets were busy entertaining it's familiar guests. Late bluish night wishes to end for a person who stayed in a corner room. (and) Fireworks ended, he offered his hands.

---

[ Day 00 ] April Events to Timeline

April remains to timeline

src/code:

10th of April

• Watched Assasin's Creed

  I did manage to get atleast the story but the sub isnt working well, good thing the visuals are speaking through while Im clueless what they were talking about. Haha

12th of April

• Mandatory to help a friend in need

  Was invited to help a friend for her thesis. It was fun meeting old familiar faces. Didnt talk much since the loadwork is to concentrate and finish them.

13th to 15th of April

• Helped her until I finished two boards

  Fun experience. Was able to dine with prior elementary (WBSC) principal, Mrs. Silang on lunch. Her face doesnt aged that much for a teacher retiree. 
  --
  Exchanged few conversations, like asking whom my adviser was in grade six, which I wasnt able to remember. ははははは☆~

16th of April

• Watched Prisoners (2013)

18th of April

• Watched Blood Wars movie series in days and Shigatsu wa Kimi ni Uso Live Action

----

13th of April

• Biggest Relationship killer

• Tokyo Ghoul Live Action Trailer

[PoTD] Lamenting the Dead

It rained heavily as we walked a distance, as if the heavens cried for those who couldnt. I wonder if you'll be okay, or will you be dancing together with him. I wouldnt be answered cause you are there, and I am here. I want to hug you, I want to be happy with you. I wished we could.

--

Day 013 : Lamenting the Dead

The last conversation I had with you was , telling me " Bakit si Ate Brigette lang nagmamano sayo? Bakit sina Ate Shella , Ate Beng hinde? " whom was asked to you by Nene. You replied her with " Kasi sa malayo sya nakatira, sila dito lang "

I was embarassed by that time, since I only started it out when Lolo got bedridden and eventually the habit of Mano Po seemingly became normal to me.

Weekend passed by and you suddenly got sick.

---

---

Day 1, when mama asked me to go to your house to feed you because you wouldnt eat. I thought it was just a small matter, but the time I went there - you squealed " Inay! Aray Inay ". I thought to myself, " Ah, she wants to die " I couldnt touched you, I became fragile, I know you'll wither away.

Day 2, After they decided to bring you to the hospital, learnt you werent doing good. That morning I prayed to god, if she's willing to give up her life, then I would like him to do it quick.

 Day 3, It finally sunk into me, how grave your situation was. I learnt how great it is to have a big family and when it is not, I prayed and taken back all I've said before. I told god , atleast let her live until graduation... Let her attend me got married, and Heart get into highschool.. wish he'll add more years, add more, cause I can do more.. I can atleast make her happy. I do believe in the possiblity of reincarnation and if ever it is, then I cant be her granddaughter anymore. I want that thing to remain. I love her.

Day 4, Mum returned home, she looked very weary , said your lips turned violet and you had to be rushed to provincial hospital.. That afternoon, she said you'll return home by tomorrow. I said to myself " Ah. She's good as dead " with all the silent treatment Im getting from my mum, I was confident. 

You returned home, I was asked to go and see you, you looked skinned, thinner than I last saw you. I was scared, but I held your hand, you were burning up. I brushed my fingers instead of letting you hear my voice. I thought " There's no way she'll die, she's still warm "

Day 5, At 2pm, I still have managed to pray, crying and hoping you wont let go. I was pained, whenever I hear the home phone rings. By any time, one will confirmed you dead. I was right. Said you died around 3 pm. 

Day xx , Your parish friend approached me, asked how you were doing. I told her you passed away. I wonder what kind of face I was making when I was talking with her. That night , I still cant have the courage to face you, , and to face no weekend mornings to atleast visit you.. 

--

Dear family,

Allow me to hate you when you were with her instead of me. 

Allow me to hate you, when you say " Thank you so much with all the things you've done" instead of " I am sorry that I could do much better, treat you much better and listen to you much better " Allow me to hate you, when she brings you food, when she dines with you, when she sleeps with you, and all the things I could felt sorry for, because I wasnt with her. Allow me to pass the hate with all the remaing love I should have had for her.

Day 012 : When "It" left.

Tawag ng Tanghalan came to an end, and Pa's manok/bet won . He didnt knew since he was at work, so I played a little usual jokes/pranks on him. If ever he knew , I know he'll play the same trick and calling me a loser. (whom my bet is Sam Mangubat, apparently he won the second place).

Soon after he landed at home, he immediately asked who won the show competition and I interrupted my mum who was about to tell - I told him my bet won and he's a sore loser. I felt triumphant at that time, mum was laughing hard since my dad believed me.

He asked " What song did Noven sang? "
Mum replied " Air Supply . ".
I was eating, busy enjoying my meryenda.
He then said " Dapat tagalog kinanta nya. "
Mum and I both laughed, I again called him - a sore loser.

Never felt better, but sooner he'll know either mum will tell or he will know it by news and I'll get those words I said at him bouncing at the back of my head. Im the loser here, I know that nevertheless, a little tease wont even damage the results anyway. Haha~

--

That afternoon, he is scheduled to go to the barber, get his hair done - bald. Mum, then will go grocery shopping. Alas!

Kwentong Barbero.
Father managed to heard original result from the local barbers who were there at that time.

Barbero 1 : Si Noven ang nanalo sa Tawag ah.
Barbero 2 : Sadya namang ganun.

Father heard them and joined the conversation.

Pa : Si Noven ang nanalo?
Barbero 1 : OO.
Pa: Kaya pala nagtatawanan ang mag-ina ko, sabi ng anak ko si Sam daw.
Barbero 2 : Hindi ah. Pinagtatawanan ka nila.

Barbero 1: HAHAHA
Pa: HAHAHA
Barbero 2 : HAHAHA

When my parents went home, I recieved an expected counterpart of the prank I did on him , physically. Hahaha~ But never felt better upon the process, after and during the time he didnt knew. All of us were happy.

My brother at that time was busy along with his career.
I hope he does well.

--

Letter 007 : Curse to Course

I saw myself in this dream, having an access with you.

You're the plain image, I possibly knew.

You shown it to me, it tortured me.

You were smiling, carrying a bag.

Riled with emotions , I tried to seek your attention.

But this fleeting matter was abudant of happiness, again to be with you.

The longing stands at those ends, I saw you.

I talked to you, with the thing that only connected us.

You responded like a machine, that plain image I possibly knew.

I can only dream the thing I knew about you, and continue dreaming to the future you.

//slapped

That morning, my father came with an idea, of somehow giving an acknowledgement.

I was embarrassed, then I knew Im guilty of loving you still.

I cant still forget about you, I wanted to know if this thread connects a generous fate.