So last night, after watching the usual national radio episode, Idol commented about this documentary/investigative journalism. Lately it has been roaming, reposted over my social feed so additionally I finally took the courage to watch the film. I am not the kind of person who peck at insignificant trends unless it really peaked my interest.

The Paco documentary was too grim and too horrid for a morally upright viewers IMO. It was evidently the evil side of our kinship. We sway too much. To be the star of our own hero stories. The people, the media, the system, the meek, and the oppressed. 

Give Up Tomorrow.

I hope to say more, I want to say more.

But I really feel sad because we stills nature.

Why it has to be them. Why. does. it. happen?

I wanna see how Paco saw these. How he sees the world.

I wanna ask.

**

Then there's VIVA ENT to produce and sell the movie Jacqueline Comes Home. I came to question, for what purpose? Since the issue resurfaced twenty years after, it happened in 1997 I was born 1995!! What significance does this film wanted to say? For what purpose.

The upcoming movie (title) sounds full of sarcasm. Pre-judgements, Does this film wanted to portray how the Chiong parents struggled under the incident? Was it for sympathy? fame, riding afloat? Was it for money? 

Those lives involved went to an inhumane circus. does this film wanted to voice them?

You know there are things I really would like to hear from them. In certainty that the two daughters did disappear, a lot of lives were ruined, exposed.. people lost their definitions.

It's like people appreciates the pen than the poem.

Like the words than the letters.

**

I would like to boycott the movie (for now). It appears like a dirty scheming and making use of journalism to create a fake drama. People should asked for the truth not the excuses.

Im really glad I watched the documentary, Paco's (give up tomorrow) touched a piece of me.

Day 00 : Fiesta San Pedro Bauan Batangas '18

Recently went to a fiesta with colleagues.

Been there, Done that.

Missed the fireworks display.

went to see the performances of a musical band, comedian, typical magic tricks and comedic hosts.

Other things like the usual but celebrated it maturely unlike the passing decade.

Met a companion with the drinks,

told secrets sometimes just for his persistence whim.

On the way to bed, we talk some more.

left alone reading the translation dictionary.

Went to bed, cuddling against the condensed air.

Then, it finally rained.

Good thing it ended early.

If In an Anime Series

March to a thousand plea.
But still ... you couldnt win.
You've entered a wrong battle
Where yellow always hail as a Queen.

Dear Diary,

Hello. It's been a month since the last entry.

How you've been?
It was pretty scary.

Due to the succession of deaths of my kittens I was distressed.
It seemed like depression added to a level.
I was deeply upset.

I told my mum
" Let's take her to the vet. "
then she replied,
" It's Sunday. We do not have money. "

And that morning my father woke me up just to say
"Your kitten is sick. Get up and take care of her."

It wasnt the first. They both know they will die at night just like her brothers.
You called for my aid. It feels like you both give me tickets to watch a 3D livestream of a dying cat.

I dont have a job. My savings have long gone 3 years ago. I cannot afford to take her to the hospital.
If loosing our meals for the next week is heavier than loosing a kitten I personally took care of...
Then asking for your help was my only choice.

It was the only choice.
Yet your white lies hurts me the most.

If it was a dog bite, would you take me to the hospital even though it's Sunday?
If you knew she was going to die, do I have to see it till the end?

**

I cried to the loss within the week.
Several days, I caught myself hanging to suicidal thoughts.

I wasnt in those days where I could never see myself in a wooden coffin.
I wasnt in those days which I could never let go Johnsuke's hands connecting to the other.

I could see myself dying by a thread.
I could see myself dying leaving him behind.

Then I remember, there was a razor blade inside the sewing cup.
When night came, I sneaked to the kitchen and kept it on my bedside drawer.
I just need one reason to end my life.
I just have to make them make one mistake.

That day will surely come.
I need help cause I am ready to kill myself.

**

I drown watching myself with Hollywood Medium series.
It was very sad and inspiring while battling myself with thoughts.

Days were wasted just like that.
Eating, Sleeping, Watching.
Secluded myself in a room.


**

Dear Diary,

It's June.
At the end of May it started to rain.
Sometimes late at night, more often in the afternoon around 2pm.

I havent watched any news, so I'm not sure if it's officially rainy season.
Or probably is ...

I think I could finally pull those long sleeves hidden in my cabinets.
Summer taken its toll. Bathing three times wasnt heated exaggeration.
It was definitely hot, but not so much in the previous year.

1 of the five kittens survived.
He's playful, but I was wishful my fishflakes stayed longer.
There were candies on the coffee table one morning so I grabbed one and tied it to a string.
It felt like I was fishing a cat whenever he chases it.

dear diary, I am slightly recovering from the pain
though there are certainly times when I blanked out and cried from feeling empty.
I know I was sad, and I cannot cure it.

I didnt tell anyone, even Roro.
It feels like telling her hurts even more.
Sometimes I find the excuse to message her during her 1am job rounds.

It was between sadness and joy bringer.
I still cried and hugged my teddy bear tiring myself to fall asleep.

There was once I couldnt sleep and I waited till 4am for them to open the lights at the living area.
Seeing them awake that morning was my reassurance of calming myself.

**

Dear Diary,

Last month, I had my first bottle of alcohol.
I was having trouble sleeping.
I was craving for something aside from noodle cups and bitter instant coffees.
So I bought a light beer that afternoon.
I managed to finish it.

I wasnt fully drunk. I could still walk unlike those in the movies Ive watched but I felt wobbly.
It felt good though it was smelly and just purely about the bitterness.
I was wishing to call a friend and have the drinks with him/her.
I had no one.

**

Dear Diary,

I finally taken the courage to write something inside my first blank notebook.
In case I die, the entries are about the memories I cannot forget and I really treasured the most.

**

Dear Diary,

I tried cutting my wrist.
It left scars but it didnt last long.

I wasnt scared of the pain.
I was crying and lighter that day.
It was a strange combination.

I dont want to do it, but I think I have to.


**

Dear Diary,

I really like the weather.
It's cold and sometimes I dont wanna take a bath.
I still have to.

-------

The passing month was scary and sad.
I wish for something lighter.

I miss you Fishflakes.

I have been drinking the bitterness

Sobbing upon my loss.

Does it wash away my sin?

PoTD : Just stay; One more day.

#NPM2018 Day 1 : First Group Projects

I dropped school early.
Strongly believed that field glimmers every step to opportunity.
That clinging to dreams magnet Hope.
Now, desperately to convince
Scratching the surface of
Unfulfilled dreams.
I.
I have recognized those efforts late,
but I cannot bathe to hate.

Happy National Poetry Month!!!

#NPM2018 Day 2 : Parallel

Guess I'm about to see you.

But I can not get myself hype up.

Cause at one point we meet, the harder we part.

--

My mum and my aunt seemed to talk about a family reunion at Pangasinan this April. She shown passive about this issue. I, maybe, hope I could see you.

These are not regets, but of your obsession.

POTD : Days with Me

I was woken up from a kitten's nonstop crying. I guessed it was nearby our house that morning, wishfully thinking that if it happens to cross our front gate I'll grab it. Noon, it started to cry again I followed the noise leading to our kitchenette/storage area.

Just its distant crying noise, I guessed it was at our neighbor's backyard. Crying continues, went to the kitchenette to hear the kitten. I was bothered so I finally told my mum. "I didnt hear any" then she excused it was probably the kettle hissing.

"But it started this morning !" I rejected the idea. Next was the passing pajero, which was making the same sound. Haha. Mom said " or maybe that vehicle? " then again " It started since this morning!!!" We were clueless if I was delusional, paranoid or what.

With the unfruitful discussion from my mum, I headed back to the place. This time I heard scratches inside the ceiling! Panick, Delusions and Paranoia kicked in so I hurriedly call mum to hear it herself. " Maaaa!!!! Storage area!! Hurry!!! "

Despite of my calls, she calmly approached me. Quietly staring at the ceiling board above us, the cries and scratches begun. Mom in disbelief " We cannot possibly have a kitten crying inside that!" and continued " Big mouse, dear. " 

There's no way that is a mouse! Too Long, Short. We have to wait for father to come home and deal with the odds that day, which he did. Few obstacles inside the non-air ventilated ceiling, two kittens were rescued.

We immediately nursed the kitties. Dog swarmed in ancestry. It was funny, they were curious and alarmed! I am taking care of them ATM. I dont know what will happen to them. We cannot really housed cats inside the house. 

I have pet dogs since I was 5. I have no knowledge how to determine their gender, when to feed them, why do they cry??!!! Do you wanna eat? cuddle? roll? what??! I am fond of watching cat videos but, newly born kittens do not necessarily does those contents. 

PS: The next day the mother cat dropped off three additional kittens on the family.

POTD : Days with Me (2)

I woke up at 8, she was lying lifelessly.

How long have she been crying for help? I dont know.

She was getting cold, so bathe her sunlight.

Pumping her mid belly, massaging to find where it hurts but I failed.

Two hours pumping her non stop, she struggles.

Then She struggled, it was worth fighting for someone who doesnt need salvation.

Someone deserves a hand to help if that person wanted to live.

I asked you to take her to the hospital... you gave me the lame excuses!

I was pumping for two hours, then the third hour came.

***

One,

she pushed me away.

Second,

she cried.

Third,

she grsped for air.

Fourth,

she stopped breathing.

She can no longer moved her arms, straigthened,

ants started to circle her, flies rested on me.

Fifth,

I laid her down then she groanned like her last.

***

She began to count, while I prayed harder.

Make promises, reminisces;

one, two and three.... breathing like she had drowned...

one, she can no longer speak

two, she can no longer blink

three, she can no longer breathe

Her dead body on my sweaty hands, glistened under the bright spotlights..

" Come back quickly, I'll treat you well. so come back. "

One, Warm hands begun to let go.

Two, Tears begun to fell.

Three, Lifelessly said goodbye to her morning clock.

Dont say life left easily... because there are people fighting to stay.

Can not shout the name I haven't given up.

Letter 015 : Baby, I'm Hollow

There's a light passing through your chest.
You do not feel heavy yet you cannot cry.
All those guilty thoughts, how to make them solidify?
Built them like a pyramid,
Standing on a greater visions of life?

Day 00 : The Great Seducer

The Great Seducer : A pre-review

- How can a game of tag is too political?

It seemed I went to a line of a ferris wheel with deep ship ride. 

POTD : Days with Me (1)

So my kitten meows non stop.

Wikihow suggested : to feed her, pet her,

groom her, play with her.

lastly talk to her.

Talking to the fucken kitty works!!

I feel too overwhelmed at the same time feelin cheated.

why does it work? ow low deep voice works. 

I dont get cats. 

Lately Im finding myself to easily get annoyed with my father's actions. I really feel bad with my responses to him. I wonder if it's just the weather? I hope, there would not be a time when I'll treat him like what Ive did with mum.

Such a failure, myself.

Tsk. Tsk.

Poet Theme : Beyond

POETHEME 229 : BEYOND

Dedication : #StephenHawking 

He didnt left his chair but he defied gravity!
"Be curious."
but Do not left your chair
yet Leave your pen.
Get lost in thoughts.
Express those words.
Resist the context - far better than beyond.

src : [1] [2]

Cheatcodes

You're looking back

while chasing someone at the front.

Dream : To defy the zero line.

Dreamt about a snake, big one, people are throwing things at it. It had eaten a dog and cats are surrounding it. People panicked. but before I finished this dream, almost on its climax, the bedroom window banged heavily in reality. Continuing to sleep from the window wake, we met at some school. It was a high place. A cliff? not so much. I cant remember if it was an art exhibit... but I continued to follow him. Moreover, I always find myself in the same space. People start to notice, and once again I ate the courage. Telling ... to take another chance. You accepted it. Idk if I was glad for the opportunity, but I continued to fill the role. I am inlove with you. For so long.

Always dreaming. Casting reality.

I hate myself. But I love you still.

But I wouldnt cross the line, unless we meet each other.

Breathing in reality.

Even if you're the guy I do not know to define.

I'll gladly take you off the zero line.

Poet Theme : Yellow

Let misfortunes run.
Give me the life blinding sun.
Quickly. Save Me!

Mess Me.

Laugh with me.

Cry for me.

Stay for a moment.

Wipe those golden minute torments.
Outside that store leave everything I ask you to.
Quickly love me as if I intended to walk with you.

The city and people continues.

the youth stucked in their dreams.

#SaveSyria

Kingdom come.

Do not let me sleep.

Kingsmen down.

Do not let me weep.

I was weeping through the horrible news of the airbombing in Syria. Children suffered the most. They're at the stage of learning and enjoying the life that is given by nature.

Life is taken and in return Life taken.

Dream : Chasing , Raining.

Falling at boxed ripraps.

Inu picks up the mess w me.

Rain & flooring. Speeding.

He asked " Since when you could dance?"

***
Chased by a man.
We went down to arch ducts.
Running on the narrow rails.
I didnt fall down, so is that man.
Did he catch up?

Poet Theme : Watching

Is this the "normal" days you're asking?
A baby. A sibling.
A friend. A student.
A worker. A mother.
Silently breathing the "proper process" of living like a human.
Then enveloping the unsaid feelings through a poem?
Watching. Writing. Bleeding

#FinishedWatching : Fullmetal Alchemist Live Action

a bit messy, i think the actor/actresses were perfect for the characters. Winry's actress was too blinding, she's damn beautiful. Sometimes the potrayal of a scene is exaggerated. I dont think the thought of the original is well delivered though the iconic scenes included in this movie shown how the staff recognized the fanbased existing on the franchise.

Overall the movie adaptation is lacking in content but the actors/actresses are on point.

Some things are exceptionally good while there's a lingering sense of guilt.

Half good, half bad.

A shame but an accomplishment and could be improved.

Wished they just stick with the material.

Heart aches.

No.

Heart breaks.

Poet Theme : Directions

Where do Love goes when it leaves you?

 - Love doesn't leave! It stays and subsides.

Where do Love goes when it hurts you?

- Love doesn't hurt you! The person does.

Where do I can find Love?

- Love resides within you.

***

[PoTD] Night you said.

The night you said you like her in front of me, she was proud and confident.

She didnt know she was the second.

It broke my heart, you broke us.

The night I went off to bed, I pushed him away.

He faced the entry of the room.

I cried like there was no mornings to come.

"I hate you." I complained while my heart sunken from grief.

But I also wish that night wasn't true.

Nor his words might be true.

I less care of what is real.

--

It was hard to broke that my hands habitually stroke his ears till I fell asleep.

Two nights after, I cried more. "I love you."

It was just the two of us now.

I hugged him tighter and several years later;

 He's still with me.

He still hugs me. He still weeps with me.

The person left, the memories fade, the lessons then are made.

--

There were days I push him away for fun.

There were days he has to face the entry of the room patiently

waiting for me to come home.

There were still mornings and nights to come.

There were days I break my own heart and complain about my missed comings.

There were still wishes I chose to stay true.

But I'll never be careless of what is real.

--

We'll fall asleep together.

Poet Theme : Perfect

(Line one here.)

(Line two here.)

Perfection are

Written,

Drawn,

Erased,

Then Unwritten.

Letter 014: X = X

I've dreamt of you.

I have always wanted to do my best if the endgoal is you.

Always, the endgoal is you.

--

Endgoal

I've dreamt of you.

I have always wanted to do my best if the endgoal is you.

Always, the endgoal is you. 

The route we've taken everyday, 

somehow felt so short.

PoTD : Blood Moon

Was about to sleep, As usual I opened the sliding window to see if Suzume-kun is back. At the same time, a motor was passing by, and its rider kept looking at me.

Im not a ghost!

While there are one or two good moves, 
there are mountains of bad ones.

Sometimes people wanted the results,
some wanted how you get there.

Which one are you?
Which one I am?

***

Spending year after year missing someone while leading the exact same life, that's true pain. 

In my age, name calling is more eminent than bullying. It was bearable, everyone wasnt as fragile as they are now. Philippines is currently passing the limelight of our individuality... Bullying become rampant!

Are the things that hurt us more are physical abuse than of mental? Aint words penetrate deeper? 

The reason why everything seemed to fall apart is that your wings is ready to fly greater. So weep! and soar out of the cramped cocoon!

PoTD : Life came quick, and left even quicker.

Rainbow at night

1:43am, today, as I lay to bed I saw a rainbow.
I've felt bewitched. I wonder if you saw it too?

Dream : Again

bought a dress to meet you.
I woke up.
rode to meet you.
I woke up.
Why I can not see you?
Why Am I wishing to love you still?
When all I wanted is to free myself from dreaming.

[PoTD] Insta-Highlights